Tired

I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired.
I've been waking up at 6 going to school 5 times a week.
I go to church at 7:30 for two weeks on and off(which I love).
I drove to Miami for 14 hours for vacation this week.
I've been going back and forth between different families for Thanksgiving.
I was up until 3:00 this morning hanging out with my cousins.
Tomorrow we're driving 6 hours to a hotel.
Then we'll be driving another 6 hours the next day.
Then I go to school the next day.

Anyways, I'm not saying this to rant or whatever, all I'm saying is that
sometimes I feel like I'm moving at a hundred miles an hour nonstop.

If you know much about me, you know that I hate wasting my life.
However, another part of me knows I need to rest sometimes.

I say all of this hoping you know I've had a great time in Florida and have loved
just about every second seeing all my family again. I've just also been a little burnt out.

"Be still an know I am God"
That's one of those verses that people have kind of over killed, but it's so beautiful and true.

Sometimes we just need to rest, and God offers that rest.

"Help me out here, I'm getting tired"
-The Cobalt Season (I know I quote them nonstop)

-Jonathan

Ecclesiastes

Ecclesiastes is probably one of my favorite books in the bible.

I started reading it because I caught these words in the header:

"Everything is Meaningless"

Quite a header for a book all about having hope in God.

But if you've been reading my blogs or heard me talk about life, you'll

probably realize I kind of feel this way really often about life.

Anyways,  this book basically reflects this idea:

-Why work just to eat? We'll just be hungry again.

-Why look for pleasure? It'll only last for the moment.

-Why try to make your name great? You'll be forgotten someday.

These are the questions I find myself asking in my spare time.

And the answers are disturbing.

I mean seriously think about this for five minutes and see if you get overwhelmed.

Why do we do the things we do?

Why do we value school education or how people perceive you?

Nobody will care about your grades or that stupid thing you did when you're ninety and dead in the ground along with the person that thought poorly of you.

Before you get tired of reading all of this:

      Know this isn't another hopeless post!

Read Ecclesiastes 5:7

"Much dreaming and many words are meaningless.

Therefore, stand in awe of God."

There you have it. Stand in awe of God.

It's all meaningless. So what is there left worth doing?

Stand in awe of God.

Live for the only thing that gives meaning and hope.

Not things of selfishness and shame.

"What benefit did you reap at the time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness and the result is eternal life."

-Romans 6:21-22 

It's been too long since the last time I've been inspired by the bible.

I think Ryan helped with that by simply teaching from it.

-Jonathan

Adulthood

Whenever kids are growing up, it seems they want to all be one of three things:

A policeman.

A fireman.

A doctor.

These three things have one thing in common:

Helping others.

Out of every kid that wanted to do that, how many live it out?

At what point does the world suck out the hope

that we can make a difference?

That there's more?

I see it almost every day. People living for less. People settling.

That terrifies me.

"Because you were meant for...amazing things..."

  -Sleeping at Last

-Jonathan

Content

Sorry about that last post. As much as I think that's true, basically last week I let all of the bitterness about everything I had spill out into a great depression. It was pretty bad, not gunna lie. 

           But-

I worked it out and talked to God and I feel better about it all. :)

 It's always nice feeling better after not feeling good at all.

Kind of like after being sick-you always feel way better, when in reality you just are back to normal, if you think about about it.

       Anyways, I'm back on my feet again walking!

Today, I was really thirsty after singing at SLAM, so I got some water. When I went out, I  saw David and Kate, so I talked to them instead of hearing Aaron's talk. 

They talked a lot on their future, and honestly, it makes me feel better that they don't even know the exact direction they're taking when they're a few years older than me. But they know they want to be in ministry.

Which is kind of crazy, for me really-Ministry I mean.        

Like I always think of my future and I'm like: 

      "I want to serve God for a living, but I don't know if ministry is for me."

That's kind of an oxymoron because serving God for a living basically is ministry. 

And you're probably like "Jonathan, you're retarded for not considering that earlier," and I'm like "You're right, but I don't really care because I finally figured it out!" :P

       (and not retarded, I mean stupid, because it's not nice to call retarded people retarded because that's not very nice because some people are really retarded and can't help it).

Anyways, so I guess I've been looking into ministry my whole life and never knew it! 

                   Crazy, huh?

Jake said I could intern with them if I wanted, after I graduate. Actually, I'll be kind of a not-intern at Shift in a few months leading worship and helping out developing SHIFT students develop into worship leaders. 

I'm getting really excited about that, but still learning how to do it all first.

It's times like this I'm actually excited about my future. 

    And so what if I don't know about school or what to study yet.

        I'll worry about all that when it's time(or when I freak out again)-

but for NOW I will be CONTENT.

-Jonathan

Justice

I seriously can get pissed at the school system sometimes.

                    Most the time actually.

                        Actually, I'm pretty much against the system to be honest(call me a rebel).

But it's not a matter of 'school sucks' or 'it's for fags' as much as it is unjust.

       And I feel justified in being against something that is unjust.

Think about it:

           Year after year I see CP kids that the world views as retarded try desperately hard to pass and fail, then end up working some crap job.

           Yet year after year there are kids who barely try, and even sleep during class who are considered 'gifted'(whatever that means), make straight A's and the world applauds their laziness with lofty jobs and free rides to college.

Unjust? I think so.

Not saying that I'm the hardest working kid on the planet, but I try just as hard, if not harder than some of my friends who are in AP and gifted classes. 

        That being said, I generally attempt all the work and always ask questions, so I'm not a slacker either.

It just wears on me that I wake up to this every day, and honestly,

          It sucks the joy that I'm supposed to have in Christ every day.

And I wish it didn't, but it does.

        I pray it won't, but it seems it always will in some way.

          Every year I'm told that  everyone should take at least one AP class and join a few clubs. For what? 

             Why?

               Doesn't that take away from the 'advanced' part of it?

It sounds an awful lot like school politics to me. It sounds an awful lot like they want our school to look better than all of the other schools. They're just clever about it.

          

And I seem to be the only person who notices all of this is happening while students eat all this crap every day for their entire school career.

All this said I am thankful that I have an education. 

      But a big part of me would rather have no schooling than an unfair one, to be honest, because I'm sick and tired of being judged on the scale of my ability to take a friggin' test.

"Damned when our dreams don't get realized

  Damned when we're found out by all our petty lies

  Damned when our plans fail; damned when people try

  Damned when I can't see the truth through these jaded eyes

And more than I want to see, I need to hear

Someone tell me somehow...that it's gunna be alright...

Tell me it's gunna be alright..."

                -The Cobalt Season: Glory

       By the way, you should check these guys out-they're one of my favorite bands, and I emailed the lead singer to ask him about how he got where he is and stuff. He emailed me back and seems to be a pretty nice guy.

Careful

You are gonna change your mind someday
So just let go of all your thoughts on tomorrow
You may find your bearings in disarray
Though you may lead and trip and fall and follow

And all that you thought black will be proved red
Full of life and complication and sorrow
And all that you thought white was in your head
For life is lived in the shadows that we borrow

And I’ll look far, but may see nothing
And I will thirst, but may not drink
And I will yell to those behind me
“Careful not to draw your maps in pen and ink”

The same road disappears up ahead
Will you ever understand this equation?
The compass in your hand is all but dead
Time to feel your way around this evasion

Read the words again, for you might see
Life where you saw death, a way to your salvation
Best to lay down what you thought was certainty
Freedom’s found in the in that calmed frustration

And I will strain to find a pattern
And hold my breath ’till I’m on the brink
And I will yell to those behind me
“Careful not to draw your maps in pen and ink”

You are gonna change your mind someday
Just let go of all your thoughts...

Careful Not to Draw Your Maps in Pend and Ink

By: The Cobalt Season

Learn

So Wednsday we had the college fair.
Which is equivilent to a depression fair for me.
Basically it consisted of me following Kelsey around as
she looked for school and me writing a song about how I don't
know what I want to do with my life.

College has always been kind of a tough subject for me.
It's always been hard for me to see light in it.
So I basically went through the school day pretty depressed with
all of that jazz on my mind.

Then I came to Shift early and talked to Jake, and for the first time...
I didn't feel alone when it came to college.
He was able to kind of give me an insight on what his experience was like-
not really knowing what he wanted, what a music education looked like etc.

It's hard for me to express with words how it made me feel though, because
I don't feel like this is doing justice to it.

I mean the idea of school has always just brought me down time after time after time.

And for fifteen or twenty minutes I felt...okay with it.
I felt like it's something I might be able to handle.
I felt like God had a plan for me(Plans to prosper me, not to harm me).
I guess I'll post my song(It's probably still rough since I haven't written music with it yet).

Song Idea:

Chorus:
I don't know
where the hell
I'm supposed to go
No I don't know
where it is
that you would have me go

Verse 1:
You never said it'd be easy
But did you ever say it'd be hard?
The road I've gone's made me weary,
but I see a light at the end of it all.

But still...

(Chorus)

Verse 2:
I've tried so hard to see clearly
And you've worked so hard for my trust.
When the future I hold shines so bleakly
It's to you that I give all my hope

But still...

(Chorus)

Bridge:
The world around me's running
toward shining goals
to leave me in the dust
God am I stuck here-doomed to rust

(Chorus 2x)